You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
