The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When are your genitals available?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
