We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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