I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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