so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
