I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
