also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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