last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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