He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
