i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
