You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
