Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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