I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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