Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
