We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
