Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
