Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
