uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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