What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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