I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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