Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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