I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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