I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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