just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
