Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
