Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When are your genitals available?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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