He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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