First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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