Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
