Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize