I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
