I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
