I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
