I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish there were birth control emojis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
