My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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