Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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