It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
