today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize