I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
