Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
