Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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