SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
