I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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