I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
