I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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