if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
