I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want to be your penis for a week.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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