when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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