I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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