today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
