1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You don't make any sense
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