There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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