I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize