he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
