I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
time to smoke my breakfast
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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