Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
