Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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