He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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